I deleted every pornographic picture on my blogs and on my hard drive.
This is a very liberating feeling. Its not that I like watching pictures of beautiful people having sex or that I think that it is wrong liking these pictures…
But i wasted to much time in my life looking for new stuff online that could turn me on, and a huge collection did not satisfy me. The unhealthy and endless process of looking at countless waves of nude and/or fucking people and filtering out the ones that i really like is the true obsession that i crave when I am watching porn. I the end i have really better things to do, read a book, chat with friends or play a intelligent game. I don’t need nights after nights of compulsive jacking off or worse not jacking of and hunting one second of visual stimulation after another.
And maybe I could live with it, maybe I could manage this to a healthy does, thumblr helped a lot with this. But what I cant tolerate and what i want be part of anymore is the whole environment surrounding porn.
All those people, those endless people who simply hate women. Or who adore woman that act or look in one particular way but deeply hate all others, all other women how do their thing, but it is not the thing that turns them on.
I am watching high quality porn compulsively for over 15 years now and I saw young beautiful human beings slowly surgically altering their body to abhorrent proportions so they can compete in the sex industry with younger actors. And all the stuff people fetishize about broken and destroyed woman. I romanticed porn in the beginning, and was always looking for something where the actors show a fantasy of sex that is passionate, lustful and respectful. Everything else was bad porn for me.
But many people don’t want that … many people want the actors to suffer, they enjoy their uncomfortably and pain. And not from a respectful BDSM view, when you are deeply happy to find someone who likes to be your submissive part to your dominant side. They hate the woman for turning them on, of for being woman in general or they hate everybody. I don’t now.
In the end it is to much for me, to much hate for something that could be beautiful. We took something great, the visualization of the pure sexual human being and turned it into something very ugly.
I keep this text as a reminder.